Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Abrams returns to Star Wars to make the most pandering, convoluted, and purposeless entry in the entire saga.
Film Series
Star Wars: The Last Jedi: The Price of Ambition
With The Rise of Skywalker coming out, I wrote my final evaluation, for good and bad, of one of the most debated movies ever.
The Matrix: Re-Examining a Milestone
The sequels changed this movie. Its ego now shows through its history, though its action still satisfies.
Toy Story 4: Retconning Childhood
Revisiting childhood after it’s over can make it more complicated than it should be. Pixar fumbled another one.
Dark Phoenix: Ending on a Whimper
A series sendoff turns into an anthem to whining. This was not the way it should have ended.
Alien: For the Love of Sex Monsters
The horror here is disquietingly personal. A masterclass in turning style into story.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
My favorite of the Disney Star Wars films. It’s rough, I’ll admit, but rugged when it counts.
Terminator Genisys: When a Series Abuses Itself
About as bad as a movie of its kind could be. The franchise equivalent of suicide ideation.
The Matrix Reloaded
A ton of effort goes into figuring out what to do with a Kung fu movie. It can be beautiful, and it can also fall apart in your hands.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture and the Flaw in Us
A movie disregarded even in its own series. Flawed and beautiful as the human race it’s about.
Captain Marvel
The Marvel formula can’t save an unappealing heroine from the greatest power in her universe: herself.
Batman
Burton explores Gotham like a house inspector: he’s all about details, and forgets the emotions you need to make them worth it.
In Tentative Defense of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
The Phantom Menace is unformed as a child’s drawing, and sometimes feels as innocent, and many times threatens through sheer force of will to be charming.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
If Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone was a tour of fantasy-land (who else thought their feelings seemed stuffed with baubles like gift-bags from a theme park?), The Chamber of Secrets is like accidentally wandering into the maintenance closet. Something is disenchanted by it, and I can think of no harsher criticism, to call something squinty that once was wide-eyed.
The Mummy (2017)
What was once a man’s desperate quest to resurrect his lost lover ala Dracula has been turned into a petulant girl’s desire to reincarnate the god she serves ala Suicide Squad. Could there be a more fitting beginning to this venture?
Mary Poppins Returns
When Mary Poppins pops out on stage in stockings and Mia Wallace hair I was reminded of some Mary Poppins-themed miniskirt ensembles I saw in a shop window in Disney Springs. From then on, I was half-afraid of the Banks home staging a rendition of the sexy maid porno situation. I’m fairly certain Andrews’ version would have scoffed the scanty jollity of this number in particular. I’m positive that author P.L. Travers would have wept.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Cuaron achieves the dark enchantment the rest of the series desires. This is a promise finally fulfilled.
Alien: Resurrection
Alien: Resurrection is not unified by its cynicism as Robocop was. It’s not a satire of us, but just a satire of Alien movies. It’s never boring and that’s actually something, in the realm of fourth entries. The reason this film is in the category of “Everyone Else is Wrong” is not because I think it’s good, but because I don’t know what people were expecting.
Aliens: Diversity Done Right
Cinema’s strongest action lady brings us the most charming gore-fest ever made.
The Cloverfield Paradox
I have not in recent memory seen a film whose concept is more divergent from its filmmaking than The Cloverfield Paradox. It is a movie so dumbfoundingly predictable and yet so incomprehensible that it becomes meaningless even as an average film, a paradox only in the sense that its grand pretensions cannot occupy the same space as the need to connect a franchise that was never intended to be cohesive.
Alien 3
I’m aware that Alien 3 had a troubled development and a schizophrenic screenwriting cycle, all documented to any reasonable human’s satisfaction on Wikipedia. But if the result had been miraculous, Fincher would have reaped the credit as a directorial miracle worker. Blame is now the price of that possibility.
Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut
Superman II is exciting even in its flaws: even its badness seems to defy other kinds of movies, like so long as Superman is on top of this, everything else will be okay.
The Godfather Part II
Visually daunting and perfectly performed, it’s easy to ignore the film’s muddled plot and struggle to justify its existence.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
If Raiders was a backyard adventure where we put on our explorer’s hat and went bucket-and-shoveling out into the woods for buried treasure, The Last Crusade is like watching a home movie of it. It’s still got the same gee-whizz endearment but in a “boy, don’t we look silly” kind of way.
A Fistful of Dollars: Slow-Burn to Greatness
A frontier samurai movie. The best stares in the business.
Finding Nemo
Finding Nemo has a brilliant way of keeping this theme in the shallows of its action, always present but rarely addressed directly in the ecosystem of all its wonderful ocean stuff.